Dear prospective employer,
It has recently been brought to my attention that you may be having some reservations about employing me.
Sleep easy friend! This letter is here to expel any doubt from your tiny brain. In fact, by the end of this letter I would not be surprised if I have you questioning your own decision making capabilities. I implore you, dear friend, not to feel bad for not hiring me already- it is an easy mistake to make... however one that should only be made once! There are three key factors which I believe (quite emphatically) set me apart from every other Joe looking for a job.
Number Uno:
I am SO desperate for a job that I will work long hours and not complain. Make me your bitch- have me up all hours of the night running your errands, typing up your reports, ANYTHING. I am somewhat desperate and willing.
Number Dos:
I am willing to take a pay cut. At this point I am happy if my wages only cover my rent and food expenses. Im not sure if you are quite grasping just how desperate I am... Let me put this into perspective for you; Most employees are looking for $45,000+ per annum- I spend $60 a week on groceries and $140 on rent... this means that in a whole year I am spending $10,400 on necessities. I can undercut any applicant by a good $30,000 a year.
Number Three:
In lieu of a bonus structure/incentives scheme I would be more than happy to perform sexual favors. You are 82 and I am 22 - there is a good 60 year between us... lets face it I am the best you are going to get. Are you beginning to fully understand how desperate I am?
Now that you are clear on just how serious I am about filling this vacancy I have taken the liberty of clearing my schedule for the remainder of this week for training and induction.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for considering me for this position and I look forward to working with you.
Love always,
DR
So I came home from a night out last night with a big hickey on my neck and I have no recollection of getting one... and also have not even an inkling of who may have given it to me... I hope he was hot!
Dear Mr.DR,
ReplyDeleteThis isn't exactly the worst job application letter i have ever come across but its definitely in the top 7.And even though am pretty sure you were probably high on something while writing it,i have to say,it piqued my curiosity enough to grant you an interview.
Still,i have to ask,will you be coming to work in the nude?Since nowhere in your budgeted application do you set aside funds for buying clothes.
Sincera
Monsieur Rogue
Dear Monsieur,
ReplyDeleteIt is with great jubilation that receive your reply. In regards to provisions made for my attire. I have no qualms with coming to work unclothed. However should you require some form of degrading and minimal uniform I would also be happy to oblige.
I look forward to having further contact with you in organisation of an interview time.
Sexily yours,
DR
Dear Mr.DR,
ReplyDeleteI couldn't help but notice that your application made no mention of your qualifications,experience or the post you were applying for?So,would you please be kind enough to furnish me with the afore mentioned details.That way when you do come for the interview atleast we will be in a position to know what we will be interviewing you for.Besides the obvoius checking you out as to whether or not you meet the physical requirements to fulfill my other needs.And you will be required to come to work fully clothed in appropriate attire.I am after all just a minimal pervert.
Bisses,
Monsieur