Online Dating

This is something that I find so amusing. 

I joined a site the other day just for a laugh and to secretly find out if there was anyone I knew on the site. I have always been fascinated by dating websites- ever since one of the kids at my school told me that one of our teachers had an ad up (OMG this totally reminds me of an even better story for another day where a teacher got fired for being found in a porn film)!

Anyway I find online dating silly for the following reasons-

1. For someone my age- there are hundreds of old men out there who think they can get some. Would you fuck you son? I find guys who try it on with guys 10+ years their junior sickening (somehow I would feel differently though if the relationship had grown organically-go  figure).

2. Guys seem to think a cock pic is a prerequisite. Do you whip yours out in the first 5 minutes of a first date?

3. A majority of the people on these sites are looking for a quick fuck and not a relationship. Really these sites should be called "Online Fucking".

3.  You never REALLY know who you're talking to. My friend met up with this guy once and apparently the picture of this guy was about 20 years out of date!

First of all- Internet dating has, if anything, made dating a whole lot more dangerous. How can you ever be 100% sure whom ever you are talking to are who they say they are? Sure they make send you a genuine photo of themselves but we all know how easy the internet has made lying!

4. People always start with "I have having to write about myself" or "I never know what to put here..." 

For those with the "self conscious" ads- if you don't want to write about yourself don't go on a fucking dating site- 90% of generated content is written AND second of all whats this "I never know" bull shit... Just how many of these sites are you signed up to... and if its more than one should you not have a fair idea of what to write by now? 

Honestly its really not that fucking hard- 

"Barry, 21, works in advertising- recent graduate. Loves taking his dog on long walks down the river- going out with friends or hanging in and watching a movie" (Far from me by the way).

Also I hate how everything is abbreviated now days like 'GSOH' and 'DTE' why dont you just write 'IADFWLIITA' ("Im a dirty fag who likes it in the ass"- for those of us playing at home). It really shouldn't take you that much longer to type this shit out in full... unless of course you only have one hand, or are missing fingers.  

Its not a short story competition. Keep it brief - no one is really going to care THAT much about you until they meet you.., or at least they shouldn't. And if they are SO insecure that they are going to place all faith in a couple of emails then they need to seek professional help! To me- developing feelings for someone you're emailing is just as good as falling in love with a character in a book.

When did life become so busy that we have to turn to the internet to find a partner? When did society become so shy that we can't just walk up to a person and ask them for their number? Oh totally reminds me of what I actually came on here to tell you! 

Went to a work ting on Friday night and headed in to town... being the only gay friend seems to be quite novel with these people and I was forced to drag them all to the gay bar (why they couldn't go without me I'll never know)... anyway I got the number of this really cute guy David and were going to meet for coffee this week some time- so I will keep you updated!!

Hope you all had a fab weekend xo

First Sexual Encounter

So I figured I was getting a bit boring so I was chatting to my friend Woody about it and he said I should post about my first 'sexual experience'. I was thinking about it a little more and I can categorize this into two separate occasions (three if I wanted to count the time I first took it up the butt- and four if I count the first time I smashed a guys arse- haha fuck thats a disgusting way to describe it, Ive been around Joey too long!!!).

So I have slept with three girls in my short 21 years. Which was enough to know I was gay... Let me tell you! I think one would have sufficed but you know how sometimes you just have to double or, in my case, triple check to make sure. The funny thing about this is that I told Shaneinei about my blog the other week and now she reads it- We are both still close friends with the girl who stole my virginity. 

Ive known Kay since I was about 13 but we didn't really become friends until a year later. There was a whole group of us (I cbf making up names for everyone). Funnily enough I was the only guy which, to me was normal as hell. Didn't really come across that way to many of the other guys I went to school with. You would think that having only girl friends would be an early indicator that I was gay but Im not even entirely sure I knew what 'being gay' meant back then. So all of us became quite close -and as "cool underage teens" do- we used to drink together on the weekends. You know how every group of friends seems to have that one kid with the cool parents that would let a tribe of teens inhabit their come for the weekend and not blow a gasket if they all got drunk- Well we had Slam who lived with her grandparents. 

It had always been a secret dream of mine to lose my virginity before I was the legal age to do so (16 in this country)- on this fateful night- Kay and I had waaaaaay too much to drink and were making out by the pool- at one point I think I almost fell in (I'm almost 100% positive Shaneinei had to be helped out a few times). Anyway the whole ordeal was very clumsy. She had shaved her vag like a week prior so everything was very prickly- being a virgin she was also tight as a nuns cunt- I struggled to get inside even though for most of it doubt I was even hard enough to do any damage (I couldn't tell afterwards if this was because I was so drunk or the fact that I found vagina a huge turn off). We went at it for a good 30 minutes trying all different positions (mainly who ever felt the drunkest at the time got to be on the bottom)- There was a bit of moaning and heavy breathing from Kays end- I don't think it finished, more that we both kind of gave up. 5 mins after we had given up I was head in the toilet going for Africa (again not sure if it was drunkenness or disgust at the thought of my tongue in a vagina). I think we can both chalk the whole night up to being a big failure- I did get a nice SMS from her the next day saying she was glad it was me- I hope now she doesn't count it as her first time- If she does than i think I set the bar remarkably low for all of the guys to follow. 

Now on to my first ever encounter with a guy- I do vaguely remember playing doctor with a boy from up the road in primary- but at that age I don't think you can call it sex... more education. So my first ever experience with a guy- I am a little ashamed to say- was with a complete stranger. I didn't and will never know this guys name. It wasn't rape or anything like that. Quite the opposite- I was 16 at the time . I dont quite remember how I got this guys number but he was 27. At the time I didn't find this strange, but looking back it is a little pedo. Its also probably the reason most of the guys I got for now are close to that age range. Anyway- he didn't live in my home town but was 45 mins away. He was passing through one night at about the same time I was due to finish work (I was a supermarket bitch at the time). 

We SMS'd each other the whole time I was in work and decided on a place to go. It was some random park near a river one the way out of town that we both had to drive past to get to where we were heading anyway- So i drive up there in my poo brown ancient-as-fuck Pugeot 323 and hes already there waiting. 

I think I was the instigator of the whole thing once he jumped in my car- He tried to make small talk and in my excitement I just kind of blurted out (which I will never forget) "Are you going to take your pants off now?"- Well it didnt take him long to get the message. 

Keep in mind this was the first time- since the age of 5 at least that I had played with a cock that wasn't my own so I spent a good bit of time touching and examining. At 16 of course he was a lot bigger than me and I remember being shocked at how big it was. I just assumed that that was the standard size of a grown cock but thinking back now it was a good 8 inches long and one of the thickest ones I've wrapped my lips around. All of a sudden I found my hear between his legs trying to fit his monster in my mouth. I thought I was a bit of a pro at cock sucking at the time... Turns out I've learned a few things in my time. But the head I was giving for the first time must have been good because he came pretty soon. I don't know if it was instinct or shock but I swallowed the whole load as well. I had a bit of a chuckle to myself because I he then apologised for being so quick to which I said "I'm actually kinda stoked coz' my mouth was getting sore". (Funny thing is Ive now lost count of the amount of guys who have apologised for cumming to quickly- Yet I have never had that problem). 

It was then my turn and being so excited about the whole thing I almost came with him just undoing my pants! Luckily I manages to regain composure and hold of a lot longer than he did- the guy swallowed too which was good because it would have been hard to explain a mess in my car! Once he was done playing with my dick in his mouth he tried to start the whole small talk game again and I gave him the hurry up by saying "Yeah.... well I'm gonna go now... so..." It was kind of awkward because he didn't seem to get the hint at first. I remember getting nervous on the drive home that I would get there and my parents would smell cock all over me- I did make a conscious effort not to breathe too closely to them!

To this day I will never understand why people feel the need to make small talk before a booty call. You're not a fucking sales person- you don't have to build any kind of rapport to make a sale- If I showed up I showed up to get down not to talk about the weather and how my fucking day went. In fact, if its a booty call- my day is the last thing I want to talk about, which is why I want to have some uninhibited, no strings attached sex! 

Welcome to 'Le Bunt'

So this weekend started out pretty shit! Friday I woke up at 5 am to pink piss- I freaked out and googled 'pink urine'... turns out some food has a dye in it that can change your piss colour so I managed to calm myself... that was until I needed to go like 5 times in an hour. It then started to burn and I started pissing blood clots. I know What the Fuck? Right!! Turns our I had like some kind of bladder or kidney infection- fun times huh?

So basically had to stay home that day and clamp my jaw down on a piece of cardboard every time I had to pee which was like ever 15 minutes.

Saturday got a lot better though- there was a new bed for Paz in the garage under our house so we decided it was about time to move it into her room so she actually had something comfy to sleep on for a change. Theres all this other junk down there as well like a desk and a spare fridge etc when all of a sudden I get this bright idea to change our garage into a bar so all of saturday was spent buying shit for our new bar- we settled on the name 'le bunt' which is a loooong story I shall share with you another time. So we now have a shelf for spirits- a black board- a fridge- a blender- and seats- all thats left for us now is to either move the old couch down or we were thinking of going to a car scrap yard and getting old car seats and bolting them to frames. Oh and we're also getting a neon 'OPEN' sign- of this really cool bar sign with a stripper in a martini glass- and to make this day even more exciting I was able to piss normally again!!!

I was thinking about it the other day and I must get up to some more mischief so that I actually have something interesting to blog about!!

Hope youre all well xoxo

Work Emails

So funny story for you guys... This is a tale that to all should learn from!!! So when I got
my job as a manager I got a new work email address which I was excited about (I know... Geeky right?) so what's the first thong I do??? I txt my friends who work to he their work emails... So I start emailing my friend Shaneinei casually as for a few months and I get a few joke emails here and there which keepse entertained when I feel like doing fuck all. Anyway since then I have been moved to manage a different team and get a new email address. As part of this transition I had to train my replacement. I have to show her to how access her emails and ofcourse iv forgotten to tell all my friends my new address. I go to the in-box and there's a message from Shaneinei entitled "your first christmas card" - I jokingly explained to my replacemt that this was all I did all day and ... So I open this email expecting some kind of sweet email wishing me merry Xmas (albeit early) and I get a picture of some ripped hottie in undies and a Santa hat... Awkward!!!


Thankgod she is the kind of person who can take a joke

in other news- went to a local club last night that had a singing comp to support my friend Alana and THE cutest guy in the world won. he was so adorable like an amazing voice and he was hot plus he was a really sweet guy. I kind of melted every time he went on stage. He cried when he won (I love the sensitive types). I think I'm in love :S

hope you're all well xoxox

What a Weekend!

Had such a great weekend!

So Friday night starts off with an awards night for the 'industry' I work in- sounds kinds snobbish and boring right? Well- I got to finish at three and started drinking straight away. My date came round at about 4- Dizzy- shes so HOT! Shes like my height (6foot 2) and is a model from the UK. On top of that she has recently discovered her love for drinking so we were a well matched pair.

Anyway drinking as we were getting ready- Diz took a bit of time (as girls do) so I got drunkenly swinging on the stripper pole in the lounge for  a good 45 mins- Anyway she gets ready and we rock up to this cocktail bar in town where everyone from work is meeting before we go to the awards- Their reactions were priceless! They weren't talking very much anyway (bunch of boring cunts) anyway I open the door and me and Diz walk in arm in arm and they all turn and their Jaws drop! I LOVE HAVING HOT FRIENDS.

Anyway they all seem to scared to talk to us (mainly because of how smokin' Diz is) so we neck our drinks and wander to the awards alone. The awards themselves were boring but the MC was a famous comedian who I got to meet and have photos with- we then later harassed the shit out of him for not coming out clubbing with us.

Went out clubbing which was the same as usual... nothing much to report there.

Joey from my work stayed at my place that night FUNNIEST thing- I'm all drunk and strip down to my underwear to get comfy after being all dressed up for the awards- Joey Diz and I are pretty lax and have no problem being that naked around each other. About half an hour into us being home this guy that been stalking her for the past year tells her hes waiting down the street to make sure no one comes over to "fuck the shit out of her" (his words not mine).  Iv had runs ins with this guy before so I went mental in my drunken half naked state and pulled out a kitchen knife and sat outside waiting for his car to drive past so i could go out and slash his tires> I think he caught wind of this from Joey and didn't come down.  5 mins later Joey's booty call parks up and gets out (turns out HE WAS there to fuck the shit out of her). He was soooo sexy and here I am sitting on the front steps with a knife in my hand and later to find out my left nut was hanging out- Fuck I'm pure class!

Anyway long story short- Diz watched her first gay porn film that night and Joey and her booty call fucked all over our lounge and very loudly!!!

(this is the one we watched)

Saturday rolls along and I get a call from Rob asking me if I'm going out tonight- I was kinda horny and feeling dirty but was too hungover to go out so I told him to come and stay. This is where it got hot for me- He then tells me hes off to a Toga party at the gay bar in town and I ask if hes going to be wearing the Toga back to mine and he says yes. I then ask "Minus underwear?" and he gets all shy like he does and goes on about class and how its not classy- Just as I'm about to reply saying something along the lines of "who needs class with an ass like yours" he replies "But fuck it- its not like I'm a classy guy anyway". So he says to me "Ill slip them off when I get to your bedroom" (Already told him I would leave the door unlocked for him) and I was like "Fuck that- take them off in the taxi on your way over"

... Needless to say it didn't take very much convincing! 4 o'clock and up he rocks briefs in hand draped in a sheet. Was a GOOD night.

Then; since I seem to do everything backwards- Sunday naturally being the day of rest I went crazy on the gardens did some mad shopping and to top it all off went for the longest run I've done in about three years! Pretty please with me right now!

Tis all from me! Hope you're weekends were fabulous! xoxo

Home Alone

So it was my first night home alone the other night and normally I don't really get scared- But let me tell you! I felt like a fucking child again...

Okay so, i get home from work- feed the cat (which we taught to do high 5's) make some dinner watch some TV- head to my room at about 11. All of a sudden this fucking dog from up the road starts howling... I live on a quiet street so all I can hear is this dog. And it just keeps howling and howling. The more I listened to it the louder it seemed to get and the louder it seemed to get the more its sounded like a werewolf  (I'm talking that deep booming howl kinda shit!). You know how all that needs to happen some times is you think one scary thought and the seed is planted and your mind starts to think up all these crazy scenarios... THAT WAS ME!

So anyway this goes on for about half an hour no shit- then all of a sudden this loud screeching/screaming starts coming from somewhere in my gigantic house. It goes for about 30 seconds then stops. By this time my heart is pounding and Im breaking out into a cold sweat contemplating ringing my boss across the road and getting her to send her husband over. So i have quiet for about 5mins and I managed to convince myself that it was something outside... Just as I start to calm down it starts up again. 

I managed to grow a pair of balls and go see what the noise was (and by that I mean turn all the lights on in the house and do a lap with the broom for safety (don't ask me why I didn't grab one of the big kitchen knives)) So I get to the spare room to find the car torturing this poor bird. By the time I get there the bird is dead so I have to dispose of it... I've never had to do this before so I just dumped it in the garden. Feeling satisfied with my macho defend my territory attitude I head off to bed. I was up the next morning at 6 and go to feed the cat and what the fuck do I find. Not only is the bird corpse back inside but its now headless!!! I was almost sick!

In other news I had the coolest dream that I was a super hero the other night and I could fly and everything... i was like Hancocks sidekick or something and it was so crazy because we had like an actual mission we had to complete and everything and it ended like a to be continued!

Also  that guy I like that I was telling you all about who likes me back- From now on will be called 'Zane' was supposed to come round last night (his idea not mine) which got me a little excited coz end of the day I still like him- then I get a txt from him at like 10:30 all like "hey can we do it another night- Ive just finished rehearsal and Im really tired". To me thats a valid excuse I guess but you think he would have at least said before asking to hang out that he had rehearsal that night and wouldn't be done til' late. Just so Im not sitting there left to assume that Ive been forgotten.

Some days I think thank Christ Im into guys because girls seem so high maintenance and so hard to figure out- but Im slowly finding that some times the guys are just as bad if not worse!!

Random

So you know how sometimes you have that urge to blog but you actually have fuck all to say- Thats me today! So I thought I would share this- It happened ages ago and Im probably really behind the times but I thought this little dude was pretty good

(UPDATE- Check out the sour bitch in the bottom right corner- doesn't smile or even clap)



Oh PS. Got so stoned last night for the first time in forever- My flatmate had her last exam and is off back to Canada for the holidays and my other flatmate is on a cross country booty call (yes we really are that classy)

DINNER

What a night last night!!! So we had this staff dinner I organised for my team last night at this BYO place in town. There was a big group of us- we booked for like 17 people I think it was. Anyway we get there and the place is surprisingly nice inside- It was a Chinese place called Kens Kitchen- Ken being the chef and the owner. 

Ken needs a lesson in good customer service. The funny thing is we all work in the customer service industy so we are all quite picky about the customer service we get especially when we are out in groups. Our waitress was lovely- I think she was quite new because she seemed very nervous. Anyway we get to ordering - some of us were running late so we decide to just go ahead since its a huge group and a relatively small kitchen. This is where Ken comes out and he looks like MR Miyagi's fucking cousin (wrong country I know but the look related) and is basically like "Where is the rest of your party?" and I was like "a couple of them are running late but they will be here in like 5 mins" so he storms off back to the kitchen and we continue to order- he comes out like 2 minutes later and tells the waitress to tell us that it is now a $17 minimum (loud enough so that we can hear) - and we were like- this is kind of shit but okay. 

THEN he comes out again and is like "Tell them they all have to pay up front- I dont trust them" so the poor waitress comes over and shes all "The chef has told me to tell you that you all have to pay up front". I was like "fuck this! Were leaving- tell your boss that he can go fuck himself." We all told the waitress she was lovely but that her boss was a complete fuck. So off we went- thank god there was another BYO place up the road. I went in and I was like "Hi ...ummm.... weve got like a party of 17 and we just left Kens kitchen cos he was really rude to us- would we be able to fit here somewhere?" And they were like no problems. And the service there was amazing. 

Shitty thing for ken was that we didn't see anyone else go in to his place the whole night and there was only about 6 people in there when we were there. He just lost out on a fuckload of money- I ended up spending like $120 on starters and shit for my staff at Cuba. What a fucking douche- Almost makes you want to write a letter to the local paper!!!

The night was amazing- I was so drunk I ended up home at 1 (but I must point this out- it was my second night in a row AND the first night I got home at about 5:30 so I think I deserved an early one)... anyway ended up head in the toilet for a couple of hours when I got home- nedless to say this whole day has been a bit of a struggle for me! Now Im off to sleep

Night night xo

Happy Guy Fawkes

Okay so I don't normally celebrate this night because to be honest I don't actually give a fuck about this dude "Guy"- but last night for the first time since I was about 13 I celebrated Guy Fawkes night. The actual Fawking part of the night was absolute shit because we got about 10 minutes in to blowing shit up and then it rained. So instead we all just got pissed.

So I was drinking at the bosses again (the nice one) cos' shes just across the road and we were drinking with her friends Shelly and Oliver (hahaha I'm so shit at making up fake names). I had a really interesting conversation with S and O- O is in the Army right and he confessed to having this irrational fear that his kids were going to turn out gay. He said to me "What am I going to do if my kid comes to me and tells me he likes it in the ass one day?" I was like "Hes probably not going to come out and say it quite like that- especially to his dad! But also I have no fucking clue what you're going to do because A) I'm not a parent and B) I quite like gays." It turned out to be a really good chat and he also confessed to knowing about a lot of "homo antics" happening in the army (I'm so in the wrong profession!) and that their behavior has kind of scared him a little as well. He said that after meeting me and having a decent talk about being gay he doesn't feel as scared about it- Also I told him to stop being a winy bitch because his kids at the moment are like 5 and 9 so he may have years before anything like that comes up in conversation- if at all (although I did hear the 9 year old scream "OMG I love Katy Perry!" last night). 

I think the thing that he worried about was that the gay people he had met have lived up to the stereotypically sexually promiscuous and flamboyant stigma that comes with being gay. He seemed to think thats how all gays were. So I drunkenly put it into a unique perspective for him. S and O are both Catholics and take their children to church as well and I asked him if he was worried that their parish priest was going to rape his kids? He said no way- not all catholics are kiddy fiddlers. So Im like "What makes you think that all gays are flamboyant mincers?" (fuck I find that word gross) and that was it - he had no argument. Plus he was talking to me and Im not overly what people would stereotype as "gay acting" so it was kind of like case and point to me!

I'm just trying to think if I have any updates for you....

Biggest best news- the Stripper whore on my team at work has dropped my shift so now I don't have to force an apology to her- I don't have to work with her- hell i never have to speak to her again if I don't want to. When I got the news it made my whole day!

In other news this guy totally caught me checking him out today when i went to get sushi for my hangover! It was so embarrassing - I pride myself on being pro at perving without being caught. He gave me this cheeky smile that was so sexy and I went all red and tried to hide (what a little girl right?)

OH! Saw a photo of my ex on Facebook and he has THE nastiest looking tattoo! I burst out laughing when I saw it- the design is shit and the colors are going to fade into this really gross poo color. I just tried to get the URL for the photo to stick it on here but it wouldn't work so you are just going to have to take my word for it.

I found out that dude that I like but wasn't sure if he liked me back actually does like me. Haha and this comes just as I've realized I don't want a relationship so YAY for me!

There was a homeless guy asleep outside my work building yesterday which was quite fun. 

I got a new desk the other day and its in my room looking out my window to the street and the funniest thing just happened- these kids are kicking a ball around and one just got it too the face so the kickers mum comes storming out and is like "What have you done?!" screaming at the top of her lungs. Ahh the culdesac life- everyones business is everyones business.

Well time for a run!

peace xo

Life lessons

So i learned a valuable lesson at work today. One which I didnt expect to learn- but I guess thats what you get from not letting things bother you.

The situation at work today has escalated to a whole new level and I am faced with an excruciating swallow of pride tomorrow. So the full story:

We have this new lady Dee at work who is doing extremely well. She is a new addition to a team of about 13 people. Now the 12 who have been there for a while now have take exception to that fact that she is doing well and have turned the smallest personality trait of Dee into a vehicle of ridicule and just downright childish bullying and cattiness. They have taken to making up a code name for this thing that Dee does and have started making comments about this when she does it so the "doesnt know theyre doing it" ... They're very obvious about what theyre doing however and people had started to comment about it- Being the manager I decided to step in and pull the main offenders out and have a meeting with them- lets nickname these people Moyra, Rash, Slam, Jackie, Alana, and Stripper. I pulled them out for this meeting and was quite firm with them. Lets be honest I was downright horrible to them. Stripper didnt like that she was getting in trouble even though she was the nastiest of them all and took to yelling at me during the meeting. Anyway come Monday  (thankfully Stripper doesnt work until Thursday) the rest were still licking their wounds- I had a meeting with Dee to discuss how this thing she does has made some people feel and nicely asked that she stop. This was extremely hard for me because Dee is an amazing employee and has every right to do what she does. Dee's a smart lady and picked exactly what this was about and where it had come from and was distraught and asked to go home for the day and also hinted that she wasnt sure she would like to come back which to be honest is extemely fair.

Anyway i told my boss what had happened and she pulled the whole team in for a meeting about what they had done and how they have basically bullied a woman so much into thinking so little of herself and of the place that she works that she is considering not coming back. The meeting then turned into a bitch about me and how I handled the meeting on Friday. I normally wouldn't have been this harsh on anyone but they needed to get the message!   So at the end of the meeting my boss says that my team would like an apology from me for being harsh on them on Friday... well that was it- I was so furious that they have the audacity to ask me for an apology that i had to go home.

I am struggling to justify in my head giving these people an apology for "being mean" when essentially what I made them feel in that meeting is nowhere near as bad as they made this one lady feel.

I still havent quite come to terms with what I am going to do tomorrow but for the sake of getting them all to shut the fuck up and stop being such petty little bitches I am going to have to swallow my fucking pride the way I would swallow a HUGE cock and apologise.

It has to be said though... Stripper needs a swift foot to the cunt because shes really cunty and will make comments about me just loud enough so I know shes talking about me but she will get sorted tomorrow because my boss is getting sick of her shit stirring also and is going to have a meeting with her. THANK GOD for good bosses though! She lives across the road from me and left early today so she could come and have a wine with me and talk me through my stress and plan my attack on tomorrow. I dont think I could do this without her support!

Anyway the lesson I learned? I hear you ask... At the end of the day- Cunts always seem to get what they want no matter how wrong they are... The point? I hear you query... Go through life being an absolute cunt! If it gets you what you want then why the fuck not?

xo

THE NEXT DAY_

Okay so I did it and it was like getting my ass spanked by someones grandad (it made me want to vomit). Dee came back which is good but I still am quite angry about the whole situation. FUCK THE LOT OF THEM! :D